Just Sayin

I feel like screaming my head off right now.  I don't know how much more I can handle, with everything seeming to fall apart around me.  I have much more strength than I used to, but I am not that strong.  I have many people that I can turn to, but not many that are good at listening without talking or giving unasked for advice.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  If I talk to you, don't assume it's because I want you to fix it.  Consider yourself a sounding board.  Silent, a simple reflection of the words I want to pound at you for a while, until I come to my own conclusion, or at least don't want to pound my head into a wall.  I know you think you can fix it all, if only I would give you the chance, but in most cases, you're wrong.

My current dilemma stands: Its my own fault.  I have never been someone who is good at apologizing for things, mostly because I don't see the point.  Consider this.  Why should I say I am sorry for doing something that won't change?  Will me throwing myself at your feet take back whatever is done?  Absolutely not.  Will the action be reversed magically by elves or fairies with more glitter than the entire budget of Legend, and have all be right and well in the world, just with a pair of magical words like "I'm Sorry"?  Of course not! So I don't apologize for much.

Do not get me wrong into thinking I am heartless, for I have  more heart than almost anyone I know, and I share it often, leaving myself out in the cold to warm my friends and family.  One of my biggest personal faults is spreading myself too thin, wanting to be there for too many people, and making the ones I care about wait the longest for the love and affection they deserve, need, want, crave.  I know how to take care of the people I care about, but I try to take care of everyone, and that doesn't always work out.

I AM sorry, many times, for the way I make someone feel when I do something. I am just never sorry for the action itself, because that seems awfully redundant to me, because nothing can be done to change it. 


My current problem stems from exactly that: Spreading myself too thin.


I didn't realize what thin ice I was on until it was too late.  Now I can't tell what is going on and it is driving me bananas.  I am not a patient person.  Although I would love to be able to add that as something I have a talent in, I can, with all honesty, say that I have very little of the stuff, and even with age, don't seem to be acquiring any more than what I was blessed with in youth.  I'm frustrated, upset, and terrified that due to my lack of judgement, that I might lose something very dear to me.  I don't know how to proceed from here, and asking outright seems to have been the only logical course of action for me.  I can only hope that things turn out well, and pray for a little good weather.

I hate it when I can't get through to someone.  I know sometimes, things are a lesson in patience and understanding, but my patience is wearing thin, and my understanding is about used up.

I know that there are many things in life that are my fault.  If I don't get up in time and I'm late for work, that's nobody's fault but my own.  If I don't do my homework and fail a test, guess what?  Blaming my zany professor and her habitual repetition won't wash.  I know what responsibilities I have.

Although intellectually I know that my current predicament is of my own creation, it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I don't mind taking the blame.  God knows I have spent enough time finding others to point the finger at that I can own up to my mistakes these days, however, here is my predicament. How do I say I'm sorry when I reach out and get no response?  Blank walls and unanswered text messages don't make good recipients of apologies. I'm not good at being patient, and the days of silence have been a test, one that I am coming close to failing.  I hate failing.



Frustration abounds, but soon, I won't be reaching out.

Have you ever been with someone and you ask them this question, expecting a generic, vague answer and end up being audience to the woes of Joe Schmoe for about an hour and a half, listening to him drone on and on about how his cat won't stop tossing up hairballs, or Sally Sue who won't stop talking about how the pounds just WON'T melt off?  I would have been one of those people today.

All of the months I've been telling myself that I need to back up my data to my external drive in case one of my hard drives eats it just went out the window.  My main hard drive bit the dust last night, just as I was trying to log into EverQuest II for some sweet low level action (yes, I'm one of those) and lo and behold: Error message.  Reboot.  Error.  Boot in safe mode.  Error.  Reboot.  Maniacal laugh from Optimus (my desktop has a first name...) and error.

I had to take it in and have it looked at, and my hard drive had crashed so hard, there was no way to recover the data from it.  I lost all the unsaved documents, my book library (yes, I'm one of those nerds too), my music, my pictures.... some of it is saved, thank god.   Some of the unsaved goodness is on FaceBook or MySpace, so double happy dance for me.  I have learned a harsh lesson today, as I redownload Warcraft, EQ, Calibre (my book library software), and Firefox.... when your right brain tells you to save, tell your left brain to can it and make sure you back up your data.  You think I would have learned something from the years of playing Mario... SAVE AFTER EVERY LEVEL!!!

 My sister and I have been going hiking a lot these past few weeks.  Both of us have a New Years resolution to be better about keeping up on our exercise, eating better, and hopefully losing some weight.  What I forgot about good exercise is how tired it can make you by the end of the night, a definite plus.  We've been seeing a lot of water, drinking even more than we see, keeping one another motivated to go (she got new shoes), etc.
When we aren't hiking, we run... well, okay.  We run about half of our track, but when you consider we are getting started, I find that to be a huge plus.  The track is one mile, and we do about 3 laps when we go, running half of that.  I'm impressed, as should you be!
With school back in session and everything else that slowly seems to consume my life, I am trying to find ways to keep motivated to accomplish everything I want.  What makes you motivated?  What do you want to accomplish and how do you plan to do so?  Keep posted for more pictures of us here and there.... and everywhere in between.